a very personal gift guide

1 pair of silk socks please

This holiday season I have crafted a fool-proof list of luxurious, thoughtful and ultimately, unreasonable gifts for you to buy for no one else but me. This is a list of items me and only me would want, so if you’re looking for a helpful guide on what to get your partner’s little sister- this isn’t it. There are no clever gadgets or hot sauce club subscriptions here- just impractical indulgence for the top consumerist hog in your life. Please reach out for my PO box.

the $28 Sock

A friend told me they bought these socks and they tore after the first use, and I simply can’t think of a more luxurious concept? A one time use sock, the tissues of sock wear!

I think it is inherently impressive if your marketing can trick anyone into consider buying a $52 pair of socks. Their website even claims their production aims to “balance art and science to create an essential that feels good and looks good.” The ultimate Vitruvian sock!

the family heirloom coat

You’ve probably seen the influx of these coats on Instagram. The brand is psychic outlaw, and the whole concept is that they take your gorgeous, vintage patchwork quilt your great grandma knit during the second world war, you know, the one she made waiting on your grandpa to get back— and when he finally did return, he sobbed into the new quilt. Anyways, they take this historic family relic you happen to have laying around and build a chic new coat from it! That way every time you wear it, you think about how lonely it must have been for your grandma during that time and how she was just a girl when she got married, and you wonder if she had the agency to make that kind of decision at such a young age. The coats run from $280-400.

the statement puff

So what I really like about this one is that it suggests I have a looooot of disposable income and live in Brooklyn.

for greta lee to return to instagram

This one is a little far-fetched, but since Greta Lee has left instagram there has been a toddler-cowboy-boot-sized hole in my heart. I miss her family instagrams filled with children running around her brownstone in matching neon jogging suits and making bracelets. I miss the spontaneity of opening an instagram story and finding her in Batsheva on a weekday.

the verbally abusive eye cream

This product stands out to me because it proposes something I had never even conceived, which is that yes, even my under eyes need to be contoured. This $260 jar of eye cream demands my 2*-year old eyes are in need of lifting and firming. The Tata Harper website copy promises this product “targets sagging skin and undereye bags.” Which is ideal, because I’m only responsive to potato-sack metaphorical language when it comes to describing my most vital organ.

But I’m not done yet! What really sells me is the packaging of Tata Harper’s products. All elixirs coming in a thick, smooth glass container so heavy that when you inevitably drop your $200 cream, (due to a long, dizzying day listening to conflicting skincare advice) you will be that much more chillingly aware of life’s impermanence.

the heavy book

Last on my list is a book so heavy, with a weight so uninviting, it will ensure nor you or your guests will ever be encouraged to pick it up and read. A book so heavy, it suggests you attended the Bauhaus University in Weimar, Germany for a semester. A book soooooo heavy, you’ll never have to work another day in your life.

a knit so toxic….

Alright I said I was done but I’m not! This is a $670 knit so toxic, you develop a mid-atlantic accent and start telling everyone at your holiday dinner the wealthy shouldn’t pay so much in taxes and that yes, “technically” you’re a registered republican!!!

As I write this I am sweating over my laptop, high on the buzz of online browsing and I can only hope the same for you! That’s it for this year’s gift guide!